Chapter Text
For the first time in years, it wasn't going to be a white Christmas.
After the umpteenth dull evening spent by the window, watching the gloomy sky and willing the snow to fall, Sirius decided he was waiting in vain. The boredom of idleness was driving him mad, yet he was too disinclined to move from his comfortable armchair.
Remus was away on some secret underground mission again somewhere in Wales, hiding in forests and sneaking around barren mountains to try convince werewolves to switch sides. Sirius had offered to join the mission, and watch his back, but received only a categorical no in response. Remus didn’t think it would be safe for him or for the mission to accompany him; Dumbledore had also made it absolutely clear that Remus' assignment was a one-man task. Sirius had begrudgingly agreed to stay, though he would have much rather spent the holidays facing dangerous hazards and risking his life rather than lazing around by the fire.
James and Lily proved to be no good company, either. The two of them had recently got married, anxious to make the most of each day, never knowing just how much longer they had left to live at the peak of the war. Although they had invited him over for dinner, Sirius had politely declined. He didn't want to disturb the lovebirds.
He could have hung out with Peter, of course, if only Peter wasn’t ... well, where was Peter, anyway? Lately he had been acting strange, stranger than usual.
Sirius made a mental note to inquire about Wormtail's odd conduct, all nervous stammer and sweat every time they gathered for another Order meeting. Admittedly, he was not the best at touchy-feely conversations, but this once perhaps he could –
The bell rang several times, sharp and thrilling like the shriek of an alarmed bird. Somebody was at the door.
Sirius grabbed his wand and started to his feet. He wasn't expecting guests tonight.
His muscles tightened, as he hurried down the hallway. Wand raised high, his senses sharpened, he prepared himself for the unpreparable, already getting drunk on adrenaline...
The door opened, and he found himself facing his brother.
Except ... was this stranger really, truly his brother? It might have been ages since the last time they spoke, but this was not the face he'd nurtured in his memories, not the person he'd spent the past years dreaming about.
His Regulus was sweetly flushed when he smiled, the curl of his lips almost a pout, eyes and hair dark as coal. A most beautiful face his Regulus had, his complexion pale, almost translucent, his tender hands like the feather of a swan. And his body – although lean and lanky – had always been complete, healthy.
This person right in front of him couldn’t be him. Sirius couldn’t recognize him, couldn’t find anything familiar in those terrified dark-grey eyes and sunken cheeks of his; no hint of a smile upon that wildly quivering, haughty mouth, nothing gentle or delicate about his bruised hands. And his body, his lean and lanky body, seemed to be crushed and much too skinny, as if he (if he truly was Regulus) had lost dozens of pounds since the last time they saw each other.
It was his voice that finally managed to convince Sirius in the end. The voice he had imagined so many times inside his head. The same voice he'd had internal dialogues with on a daily basis. The same voice that, agonizingly enough, Sirius had not heard in what seemed to be a hellishly long time.
"You shouldn’t have opened the door like that," the boy (his brother, Regulus, to all appearances) said to him, his eyes lifeless as they fixed upon him. "You must ask a security question first."
"sh*t. Reg!" Sirius burst out, slowly but surely coming out of his shock to see him on his doorstep. "What happened? What the hell are you doing here?"
And he reached to seize hold of him and drag him into his flat; but Regulus eluded him before Sirius' hand could grab onto his shoulder, backing down the hallway.
"Ask the security question," he repeated in the same languid voice.
"If it really wasn't you, you would've already hexed me in the face three times by now," Sirius argued, virtually to no avail; Regulus didn’t move. "Come on, stop screwing around. It's far more dangerous to just stand out and about in the hallway –"
"Ask me a question first," Regulus repeated, not relenting.
"All right, all right, fine!" Sirius huffed impatiently. If nothing else, his stubbornness was enough to convince him: he really was his little brother, indeed. "Damn it."
He huffed again, his breath leaving him in a heavy whoosh.
"I ain't got too many security questions up my sleeve, to be honest. I wasn’t prepared for you to drop by, you see..."
Regulus' haggard face remained deadpan.
"I guess ... I guess my question is..." The tip of tongue slipped out and moistened his lip, a nervous little gesture he couldn't conceal. "How long since we've seen each other and what's the last thing you said to me?"
"Two and a half years. You came back and sneaked into my room one night during the Easter holiday," Regulus said primly, still wearing a bland expression over a certain internal tightness.
Sirius could feel it too; felt the same tensing in his belly, an exhilarating tightening of his muscles and joints. Regulus was back, back, back! something Sirius would not have anticipated in a thousand years, considering their severely declined relationship over the recent past.
"You tried to convince me one last time to come and live with you here." Regulus nodded towards the open door, the glimpse of the hall behind Sirius' back. "I said no. I told you I had to stay. I asked you to leave before Mother, Father or Kreacher caught you, and you left. You didn’t look back."
Sirius shook his head.
"No, it wasn't exactly like that." He crossed his arms on his chest, and leaned against the doorframe. "You told me something else, too. What was it?"
Regulus' white, weary face winced slightly.
"I told you to go to hell," he admitted, after a beat.
"And then what happened? Cause I'm sure as f*ck I didn't just leave after you told me to."
"It's pointless to talk about what happened next." Regulus' voice dropped to a low murmur, soft as a whisper and more painful than the bleeding lacerations on his knuckles.
When he moved forward and took a venturing step towards his flat, Sirius stepped in front of him, barring his passage.
"Nuh-uh. You wanted me to ask you a security question. You practically insisted," he pressed, not taking his eyes from him. "You better answer, then. It's only fair. What did we do after you asked me to get the hell out of your room?"
Fighting a blush, Regulus finally said, "We did what no brothers should ever do."
But there was no conviction in his voice, only a great, overwhelming tinge of sadness, his eyes full of hurt, like a shattered mirror of dark emotion.
"That's not much of an answer."
Looking steadily into each other’s eyes, they both kept quiet for a good while.
"You kissed me," Regulus broke the silence, at last. "Asked me if I wanted you to stop. I said no. Then you took me. And then you left."
The corridor was deadly still for a few more moments.
"Come on in." Sirius stood to one side for Regulus to pass. They no longer maintained the eye contact when he walked past him through the door and into the hall.
After the cold night air, the pleasant warmth of the interior sent a wave of relief through Regulus' body. Despite the lingering tension and the heavy atmosphere, Sirius could see his muscles relax somewhat, his posture slackening. This place here was safe – relatively safe compared to the hellhole he had just escaped.
Regulus took off his shoes, put them neatly on the top shelf of the shoe rack next to Sirius' worn-out sneakers and muddy winter boots. Sore in every limb and every bone, he stood as erect as possible, and took a moment to look around. He reveled in the happy orange walls and the minimalistic furniture; Sirius' flat was, luckily, nothing like 12 Grimmauld Place decorated with its stone tiles and joyless mahogany furnishing.
Sirius followed him closely. Regulus heard a click as his brother locked the front door, placing his protective charms and enchantments anew. He led the way, and guided Regulus into the living room, their steps echoing off the walls.
"What d'you want to drink?" he asked, facing away to hide his own apprehension. Perhaps asking him about their last encounter had not been the smartest idea, after all. "Tea? Coffee? Some Firewhisky?"
Regulus did not reply at once. "Tea will be fine. Thanks."
"I'll be right back." Pausing on the threshold, Sirius gestured awkwardly towards the couch. "Take a seat."
Without further ado, he walked out of the room.
Finally on his own, no longer having to feign composure, Regulus exhaled a long, tortured sigh. He seated himself by the fire, and bent forward to warm his stiffened, cool hands. He didn’t reach for his wand to siphon off all the blood and heal his cuts. He was too drained to successfully perform even the simplest of spells that he otherwise would have exceled at under different circ*mstances. He could feel his magic had perished within him earlier today. His frantic escape from Lord Voldemort's clutch, from certain death had exhausted him; he'd barely possessed enough strength to come looking for his brother.
Though heavy and feverish, a maddening pain in every inch of his injured body, Sirius' closeness was quite a comfort to him, it always had been; a shelter offering peace, a tonic to cure him entirely. It was senseless of him to trust him so, even after all this time, even after not seeing him for the past few years. It was stupid, so, so stupid. Worse yet was to show up here and put not only himself but his brother in grave danger, too.
Yet, he had nowhere else to go; no secret hideout, no safe haven to wait out the storm. Even if he had any such place somewhere, he couldn’t be sure just how long that very storm would last. For all he knew, he was doomed for the rest of his life. People didn’t just walk away from Lord Voldemort, and if they did, they certainly didn’t stay alive for too long. Maybe it would have been better to just meet his end back there at Malfoy Manor, down in those dark, musty dungeons all by himself... At least Sirius' safety wouldn’t have been compromised that way.
It was too late now, because he didn’t want to leave; not really. He was selfish, and wicked, and miserable; has been all of his life. Why should he change his ways and turn back now? There was nowhere to go, nowhere else to hide... And, quite frankly? Estranged brothers or not, he wanted to see Sirius one last time before saying goodbye to him forever.
"It's plain black tea," Sirius' voice announced, as he returned to the room. "I added a spoon of lemon juice too... You still take your tea like that, right?"
Regulus nodded. "Thanks."
The steaming-hot ceramic heated his skin, as he cupped the chipped mug between his palms. He almost flinched when Sirius threw a blanket around him, the fuzzy fabric wrapping him up in warmth, almost like a comforting hug.
Sirius stopped by his favorite armchair. For a moment, he contemplated where to sit, before he opted to settle on the opposite end of the couch. Even so, the distance between their bodies was vast; as vast as if they were on two faraway points of the entire galaxy.
"So," he began, breaking the silence, "what brings you 'round?"
Stalling and inventing, not knowing how exactly to respond, Regulus drunk some of his tea.
"Don't get me wrong, I usually love surprise visits. It's just a bit unexpected. Last time we met you insisted on staying in that bloody prison, and now –"
"I left them." The words were all but ripped from his lips. "I left Mother and Father. I left them for good. That's why I'm here."
Sirius' mouth moved, but no sound came.
"Okay, start from the beginning," he said at last, overcoming his confusion. As if regretting his hasty confession, Regulus held his silence and didn’t speak. "Talk to me, Reg. What the hell happened back there?"
Regulus continued staring down at his knees, enveloped in the cloud of scalding steam.
"For years you'd reject every gesture of help, every offer..." Sirius pressed. "You'd avoid me and send me away. Cut me out of your life completely, pretend that I no longer existed... and now after nearly three years you come here looking like you'd been through a cement mixer, and all you say is that you left them? How come?"
Slowly, Regulus raised his head. "What is a cement mixer?"
The little barking chuckle that followed almost made him smile too. It had been so long since he heard Sirius laugh.
"A Muggle invention that'd ground you into a mush. Anyways, my point is that you look –"
"Terrible?"
"I was going to say peaky." Sirius put his head to the side, studying him with keen interest. "What's changed your mind?"
Regulus' hands started to shake, so he placed his mug on the coffee table before he could spill the hot beverage all over himself.
"You came here for a reason." A hint of authority slipped into his brother's tone. "Tell me."
He lowered his eyes again.
"I had no place else to go," he mumbled. Releasing the ugly truth turned out to be a lot more difficult than he'd expected it to be.
"What about your mates? Avery, or Yaxley, or –"
"They are no longer my mates," he interrupted, speaking through clenched teeth. "I wouldn’t be a welcome visitor if I went to them. I suppose I'm not exactly welcome here either, but I just thought –"
"Cut the crap, Reggie. You're talking bullsh*t, and you know it," Sirius cut in. "You'll always be welcome here, no matter what. Even if we don't see each other for years and decades, even if we stop talking for ages, you can always crash at my place. I told you that before."
His passionate objection coaxed forth the tiniest smile. For a minute or two, Regulus almost felt like nothing had changed between them. A foolish delusion, that one, but how very sweet.
"I'd like to apologize." His smile was a gone a heartbeat later, as he once again realized: he couldn't postpone the inevitable any longer. "I never should have come here and put you in danger. Now everyone's looking for me, and if they realize I sought you out, if they target you… if they hurt you it'll be my fault, and I –"
His breathing had become erratic, disturbing the tense stillness of the room.
"I really just had nowhere else to go," he finished in a bleak, bitter whisper. "Utterly selfish of me, isn't it?"
Sirius sat facing him with a frown. "Reg, what did you do?"
A look of horrible suspicion crept into his eyes; it stung, like the vicious thorn of a wilted rose.
"Mother and Father might be bat crazy, but not even they would launch a hunt just for losing an heir. There has to be more to this story than just you suddenly walking out on them –"
"Is that what you think?"
"Well, is that what happened?" he pressed.
Regulus hesitated just a moment, glanced once again at his knees, and exhaled.
"No," he admitted. "Not quite."
"Say it, then." His breath caught when Sirius suddenly drew closer to him. "I want to hear you say it."
"I can't," he whispered, lip trembling. "If you knew, you'd hate me more then you ever did before..."
"I've never hated you, Reg. Never," Sirius retorted firmly.
His hand closed over Regulus' shoulder, turning him round in his seat, so he could look directly into his face.
"Now listen to me. If you want my help, if you want to stay here, switch sides and never go back, it can be arranged. We'll go to Dumbledore first thing in the morning and ask for his protection – but you've got to tell me the truth first. The whole truth. You owe me that much." He paused to think more words. "You owe yourself that much."
He watched as Regulus sagged, elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands. His shoulders heaved, measuring his ragged little breaths.
"I disobeyed my orders." His voice sounded muffled. "That's not something you do if you have even a remote wish to stay alive. There are no second chances there… no mercy…"
"Your orders?"
With a fresh pang of suspicion, Sirius pulled Regulus' hands from his face. They looked at each other for an instant longer, unsaid words of truths laid open in the silence, the very depth of his gaze.
"Show me your arm, Reg," Sirius requested quietly, in a low, almost unfamiliar voice. "The left one."
Regulus sighed. "Sirius –"
"Just show me."
He began to pull away from him, inching towards the armrest of the sofa.
"You know what you'll find there. It's absolutely unnecessary –"
"Will you show me your arm for f*ck's sake?" he snapped.
With a huff, Regulus flung his left sleeve open.
"There," he grunted. "Satisfied?"
He'd expected a fit of anger and a swarm of accusation, phrases like 'you're no longer my brother', or 'you're a disappointment,' or 'get out of here, I never want to see you again'. Phrases that he had repeated to himself over and over in that rich, smooth voice of Sirius' over the last two years. Phrases that he had come to believe.
Contrary to what he'd feared, Sirius didn’t rage. He didn’t start screaming insults at him, or threaten to turn him in, didn't order him out of his house. He simply stared ahead at the Dark Mark on his forearm, eyes going sightless under his scowling brows.
"You really went through with it," he said numbly. "I was hoping... Damn."
This dreary, toneless expression was much worse than if he were to curse him out or challenge him to a duel. He was rarely ever this dispirited; Regulus winced at the defeated look of his face, and he adjusted his sleeve, covering that nasty tattoo again.
"For years, I kept wishing I'd done something more. That I hadn’t left, not without making sure you were safe. I didn’t, and now –" Sirius half-smiled with painful bitterness. "Now you're branded like this, all because of me."
Regulus shook his head. "Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault."
"It could've been avoided if only you'd come with me when I asked you to," Sirius pointed out.
"Right." Regulus squinted into the flickering firelight. "I should have gone with you, but I didn't. And when they finally came for me, I didn't flee, either. By then I had no choice."
He turned to glance at his brother. It was a special kind of hell, a way of self-torment to take a good hard look at him, study the pain in his gaze and the limp curve of his shoulders.
"When you're face to face with the Dark Lord, you don't even think of escaping. It would be foolish. He can read your most intimate thoughts, expose your deepest feelings…"
Memories came and went, then, not lingering before they vanished. He saw fragments of the past, watched them float by, his childhood self lost and confused in a world so cruel. Memories of his brother, the sole comfort in his life: a stability, a bay, an anchor to happiness and safety. Memories of the bond they had once shared, the same fate, same yearning for freedom. There was nothing filthy about the way they had held onto each other. How could there be? Against his better judgement, Regulus couldn’t see the point in pretending that his feelings for his brother were wrong; they were nothing if not entirely pure. He was sure nobody had ever loved another human being as fiercely, as deeply and unceasingly as he loved Sirius.
"I was so scared that he'd find out," he whispered, faltering, "that he'd get you and hurt you, and make me watch. That's how Mother would coax me into joining him... She knew how much I hate to see you suffer, how your pain would drive me mad. It was convenient for her, the best way to blackmail me."
"When...?" Sirius couldn’t seem to complete the sentence.
No longer whispering, just mouthing the words, Regulus said, "Two years ago. During summer break."
He flinched when Sirius suddenly bristled, the same old fire coming alive in him.
"Two years ago? Are you f*cking kidding me right now?" He leaped to his feet and began pacing the living room. He looked like a restless lion as he kept going round and round in frenzied circles, cornered inside a cage against his will. "You've been with those freaks for two years, and it never once occurred to you to come and ask for my help?"
"I'm here now," he interjected. "I've escaped."
"Yeah, well, a bit late, aren’t you?"
Regulus froze. He felt his body stiffen, limbs tingling with cold shock.
I can't exactly blame him, he thought. It was too nice to be true... But he couldn’t make the bleeding pressure about his heart vanish, couldn’t make the sudden pain go away.
"I understand. I figured you'd say that." He rose to his feet, slow and heavy. "I'm sorry for bothering you. I shouldn't... I really shouldn't have come here..." His voice trailed away.
He spun about, grew dizzy, but didn’t pause. He had to keep going in search of another safe place, flee from trouble, embarrassment and Sirius' anger; but most importantly, he needed to flee from himself, from the agony of loneliness and hurt.
Sirius darted after him; grabbed hold of him by the elbow, and yanked him back.
"Sit down, where are you even going?"
Regulus had no more strength left to protest. He allowed his brother to sit him back on the couch, and trembled when he felt Sirius' knee press against his. They were sitting close beside each other now, Sirius' body warmth a kinder heat than that of the cracking fire. It was so comforting, so right to be by his side again. These past years very well might have been just a few short minutes, a minor memory lapse completely unimportant now.
"Look, Reg, I'm only going to ask you this once, so think about the answer carefully, because I'm going to take your word for it and never talk about it again. Got it?"
His mouth dry and his tonsils the size of an orange, Regulus could only nod in reply. He knew what Sirius was going to ask even before those fatal words had left his mouth. Yet, despite the certain knowledge, he still couldn’t quite prepare himself for Sirius' next two questions.
"Did you kill anybody?"
"No." And because he didn’t think Sirius looked particularly convinced, he repeated, more desperately this time. "No."
"Did you ever participate in torture, hurt anybody?"
He shook his head sharply. "No, never!"
Sirius co*cked an eyebrow at him. "So for two bloody years you haven't done a single thing. Never hurt a soul, never went on a homicide mission?"
"You said you'd take my word for it."
Sirius didn’t speak.
"Never," Regulus repeated, his pleading eyes lifted to Sirius'. "I've seen things. Terrible things. Things they said they'd do to you if I didn't obey…"
He squeezed his eyes shut, but the dark violence of his memories remained ever so vivid, even behind his closed eyelids.
"There were hostages there sometimes. People from the Order, like Benjy Fenwick or Dorcas Meadowes," he pushed the words out with an effort, his voice so faint it was almost a whisper. "They tore them apart.... ripped them to pieces. The Dark Lord personally tortured them. Sometimes... sometimes they weren't dead yet when he threw them to Nagini..."
"Who?"
"The Dark Lord's snake. He has a snake." He blinked his eyes open, but suddenly couldn’t make out Sirius' face clearly. "They wanted me to do it, too. I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t... I had to get away, I had to leave..."
Completely horrified, he only just noticed now that he'd began to cry. A terrible shaking mess, he could no longer control himself; he allowed the tears to come, let them trickle down his cheek one by one.
"Sirius, please? You have to believe me. I really haven't hurt anyone. I tried my best to stay away, I promise, I promise, just please –"
Sirius huddled closer to him. He put his arms around him and hugged him tightly, so tightly the enclosure of his embrace felt like a vice.
"Ssh, it's okay. I believe you," he whispered in his ear. "You got away. You did well. You're here with me now. This is a safe place, and you can stay for as long as you want."
"They are after me now. They will find me and kill me –"
Sirius tightened his embrace. "Not on my watch, they won't."
"Then they will kill you too, and all your friends and everyone else you've ever known. I know they would. They told me so a million times." Regulus drew in a sharp breath, trying to calm himself. "The Dark Lord, he is dangerous. Undefeatable. And he doesn’t care. He almost even killed Kreacher too –"
"Kreacher?" Sirius bristled. "Why'd he want to kill that git? Not that he's not annoying enough to deserve a kick in the shin every now and then, but still..."
Regulus' breathing became more labored, as if he were choking.
"Hey. Look at me." Sirius framed his face between his palms, and angled his head so that he could look him in the eyes. His expression was mild, the previous lines of frustration already easing away. "You can tell me. You're halfway through the story anyway."
Regulus needed a moment or two before he could carry on talking.
"He pressured me. Said he needed an elf. I had to lend him Kreacher... Do you understand?" His teary eyes grew more disconcerted. "There was this cave... He used Kreacher's blood to open the entrance. He poisoned him, made him see horrible things... and then he left him there to die. He has done things you'd never be able to imagine. He will never disappear, not unless–"
Sirius didn’t interrupt. He listened intently, his arms still wrapped around him in a protective hug.
"I asked Kreacher to take me there. I drank the same poison, paid with my own blood. There were Inferis there. They would have dragged me under if Kreacher hadn’t saved me," Regulus recounted shakily. "I should have ordered him to leave me to my fate, but I was selfish again. I didn’t want to die without seeing you one last time."
New tears brimmed; Sirius wiped them away with his thumb.
"The Dark Lord's potion made me see things. I saw you." Regulus pursed his lips, trying to stop the trembling of his mouth; to no avail. The corner of his lips quivered, turned down in a tragic little bow. "I relived the night you left. All those times Mother hurt you, all those times I wanted to follow you and couldn't..."
He drew closer yet, chasing the thrill of safety, the solace of his closeness. He needed him, needed him, not for any fleshly desires, or to act out some grisly taboo fantasy, but because they had to stick together; together, that's where they would be the safest. With each other, Sirius tangled deep in him and he tangled in Sirius; locked in a bubble of illusion where they could be one body and one soul, so that no could ever rip them apart again.
"I didn’t want this for myself. I should have gone with you that night..." He swallowed hard. "I'm so sorry. Please don’t be angry with me."
"I'm not angry, Reg. I mean I am, but not with you. I'm angry for you." Sirius let out a weary sigh. "f*cking hell... I wish you'd told me about this sooner. Maybe I could've done something."
"I didn’t want to get you into trouble."
"So you rather got yourself into trouble, is that it?"
Regulus pulled away from him, and dried his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.
"What did you expect me to do?" he shot back. "I was never going to ask you for help. I hated you for leaving."
Sirius shrank a little. "Yeah?"
He nodded, with less conviction than he'd intended. "Yeah."
"Well, I hated you too for not coming with me," his brother retorted, quickly recovering. "I hated what you did to me. Hated that you ruined everything for me."
"What did I do?" This was not the time to be sullen, yet he couldn’t help it; Sirius' accusing tone deeply offended him. "It wasn’t like you'd ever miss me. You had your friends. Your fans, your little trifle flings here and there..."
"You're dead wrong." Sirius' voice gained a soft heat, his eyes so intense now Regulus felt like a single glance from him might ignite fire. "I did miss you. I missed you a whole lot. I wrote you letters, hundreds of them. You never answered."
Burning heat licked through him, spreading throughout every inch of him, as he sat and listened, unable to take his gaze from Sirius'.
"I never got any letters," he murmured, his feeling of offence gone. "Mother must have... must have destroyed them."
"I tried catching you in the hallways, before class or after Quidditch practice when you weren't surrounded by your Death Eater mates," Sirius went on, as if Regulus hadn’t said anything. "You never f*cking acknowledged me."
"I didn’t want to talk to you," he confessed faintly, "not after the way you'd left."
"You didn’t even give me a chance to explain."
"There was nothing to explain. It was a mistake, that summer... The summer before you left."
"Was it?" Sirius challenged. "'Cause it didn't feel like a mistake to me."
Regulus' head jerked up. He searched his face, looking for signs of recklessness that would in no time lead to regret, but he didn’t find any. Sirius stared back at him, pinned him with his brooding glare.
"Yeah, you're right. I had my little trifle flings here and there," he said bitterly, "had them in broom cupboards and empty classrooms, and they never meant anything. A serious relationship was out of the question. You know why?"
Regulus didn’t know, but he wanted to find out.
"Why?" he replied, trembling.
"'Cause I f*cked up everything I'd started, even the good stuff. The nicest people would bloody run away from me, call me a half-man. A half-man!" Sirius shuddered. "Because I wasn't in the right headspace. Because they couldn’t count on me."
He ran a hand through his hair; Regulus watched as the long wavy locks fell back around his chiseled face, and wished he could touch him, smooth the lines of worry away with loving kisses and the soft brushes of his fingers.
"I didn’t think they were right. Not until that night when I sneaked back in and asked you to come. When I ... when we ..." Sirius exhaled a joyless laugh, unable to complete his sentence.
Regulus noticed that the trembling in his hands had grown worse; Sirius clasped them together, his knuckles going white from the exertion. Only his gaze remained unflinching, continued boring holes in him, seeming to see very deep into Regulus' soul.
"That's when I realized that they were right," Sirius pressed. "I am a half-man. How could I not be when I only ever feel complete with you around? It isn't easy to be whole when you're missing your other half." A seething, haunted look possessed him, and he looked away. "So yeah, I hated you too. But I missed you even more."
Carefully, Regulus reached out to touch him. He caressed his shiny black hair first; then his scowling forehead; then finally his tense shoulder, stroking him gently, gently until Sirius turned back to him and returned his look.
"I missed you too," he replied under his breath.
A flicker of emotion passed across Sirius' face.
"Good," his brother said, after a pause. "So we both missed each other. And stupidly wasted all these years to admit that. Great job."
Regulus let out a chuckle, all choked up.
It was such a wonderful feeling, the feeling of danger or a dangling threat passing. It might have been wishful thinking only, but for the moment he indulged in that illusion, the illusion of forever.
He drew back into his embrace. Sat with Sirius' arm around his shoulder and their knees pressed together, his own hand resting upon Sirius' strong back. It wasn’t enough, somehow, every cell in his body screaming for more of his closeness, more of this dizzying, fiery heat. It was not a primal need driving him to Sirius, not entirely, but an emotional resonance, the assurance that he would always be safe in his brother's arms.
"Now you're here, and that's all that matters," Sirius said, less bitterness in his smile. "You're safe and sound. Like I said, I'll take you to Dumbledore tomorrow. He'll be at the headquarters – you'll get to tell him all about that cave mission of yours."
"Do you really trust me so?"
He blinked, confused. "Huh?"
"Do you really trust me so much?" Regulus lowered his eyes. "It doesn’t even occur to you that this might be a trap?"
Sirius reached under his chin, raising his face.
"I know you, Reg," he said tenderly. "You'd never betray me."
Regulus felt a grievous pang at his heart.
"Thank you for letting me stay." A fresh tear rolled down his cheek; Sirius patted the damp trail with fingertips, his touch infinitely gentle.
"Of course." He pulled him back into his arms, hugging him tighter. "Can I ask you something?"
Regulus nodded yes.
"How did you get away?"
He drew a ragged sigh. Although he didn’t want that dark reminder right now, he figured it would set him free if he didn’t keep the details to himself. He had foolishly said too much, anyway. One more truth likely wasn’t going to make much of a difference.
"There was total chaos. Curses were flying all over the place," he began. "There had been no Anti-Apparition Charm on the house, so I Apparated away – a mistake Father never would have made, but Lucius and Narcissa have always been too proud to take such precautions. They didn’t think they'd need any."
He sighed again, this time with joy as Sirius began rubbing his back.
"They didn’t let me leave easily. I went against the Dark Lord's order when I failed to complete a task he'd given me." He thrust his face into the crook of Sirius' neck, inhaling his scent. He smelled of leather and cyphre, a comforting mixture of musky and sweet. "The Dark Lord... he has a secret. He doesn’t know yet, but I figured him out. We don’t have much time. We must act now. Once he realizes that I've exposed him he'll go to great lengths to stop us –"
"What secret?"
There was a long pause.
"It's complicated. Too dangerous," Regulus decided, swallowing the words before they could escape. "I shouldn’t have said anything..."
"I'll find out about it tomorrow, anyway," Sirius cut in, "you might as well just tell me now."
Regulus didn’t respond.
"Look." Sirius' hands moved to cup his cheeks, his soft warm palms burning against Regulus' skin. "You came to see me. You've left them. You're not going back there, ever. It's okay to let go now, to stop keeping things to yourself. You're no longer on your own. I'm here."
He tried to shake his head no, but Sirius' hands were still holding his face, and he couldn’t move.
"I've already jeopardized your safety. If I told you..." He shuddered at the mere thought. "I don't want to put you in harm's way any more than I already have. Please understand that."
"Listen, Reg. I don't know if you've noticed, but we've been at war for the past couple of years." Sirius' hold on him tightened ever so slightly. He shifted closer to him, leaned his head against Regulus', the movement subtle enough to be considered accidental, yet it still sent a nervous thrill through Regulus' heart. "You telling me about Voldemort's secret isn't going to make my life any more dangerous. I'm already risking my neck every second of every day just by working for the Order. So just tell me."
And, when Regulus didn’t reply immediately, he repeated: tell me; and he swiped his thumbs across Regulus' cheekbones, pushed his brow against his, so that their noses rubbed together as if they were exchanging the sweetest of eskimo kisses.
Regulus' breath caught, heart thudding heavily inside his chest. It only got worse when Sirius moved his hands a bit further up his cheeks, fingers slipping into his hair. His skin was so soft, so warm, Regulus could barely resist leaning in to meet his lips, trail kiss upon kiss all the way down to Sirius' neck.
"He has ripped his own soul into pieces," he blurted.
"He did what?"
He shivered. He really wasn’t supposed to say that.
Now that the damage was done, he couldn’t turn back. He knew Sirius wouldn’t let him, that he would just keep pestering him until he confided in him, told him the complete truth.
"I have one piece. It's in a locket," he admitted, face twisting into a pained grimace. This wasn’t going well, at all. "Kreacher hid it. I ordered him not to tell anyone. Made sure it's protected by Charms until I go collect it."
He felt bile shoot into his mouth, the bitter taste of regret making him sick. For every word he said, every bit of truth he oh-so carelessly shared with his brother brought Sirius a step nearer to his demise. He should have protected him, kept him safe. Instead, he had just signed his death warrant by coming to his place, and telling him about these things.
Yet, as soon as he raised his gaze to Sirius', he felt his heart sicken, turn black with despair. He couldn’t stop now, couldn’t stay away from him anymore. Selfish as he was he needed to take advantage of his long-awaited moment of peace, this little bit of heavenly happiness now that he was back in his arms, the only place he had ever really belonged.
"I was so sure that I would die..." he told him, his voice barely above a whisper. "I would have, if only he knew I'd already cheated death back in the cave and stolen his Horcrux. That's what it's called."
Sirius frowned. "A Horcrux?"
He nodded. "It's a sort of token."
"A token for what?"
He took a deep breath; this was the tricky part.
For an overlong moment, he kept up with his internal fight, tried to find a way out of this jam only to realize there never was and never would be any. Every foolish choice he'd made, every error, every wrong judgment had pushed him closer and closer to destiny, yanked him down this dangerous, twisty path. It was surely a miracle that he was still around, it had to be; he had been confronted by the odds and somehow overcome them all. He had made it out alive, made it to his brother. He wished he could muster enough self-control to just up and leave, spare him from the hell he was about to unleash on him by staying here.
But, as was the case whenever he found himself enfolded by Sirius, self-control suddenly wasn’t possible anymore. He couldn’t up and leave. He couldn’t spare him whatever dangers were lurking outside this place, lying in wait to crush them. He needed to say these words, needed to tell him... needed him to know how much he had missed him, how his nearly three-year-long absence had atrophied him, eaten away at his soul until there was nothing much left of him. Even if he was making another mistake, the cruelest one yet among them all, he couldn’t seem to help it, couldn’t apply rational thought. He allowed himself to lean forward, nestle into his warmth, bracing himself for what was to come next.
"Eternal life," he answered at last, his words followed by a heavy silence.
"f*ck," Sirius mumbled, slowly coming out of his shock. "So what you're saying is... that Horcrux thing he's created makes him... immortal?"
The way Regulus' face twisted spoke more than a thousand words ever could. He felt a tremor pass through his brother's hands, and he quickly grabbed onto them, held him by the wrist. The next thing he knew they were sitting only an inch or two apart, Sirius' fingers still tangled in his hair, his own clutching desperately at Sirius' sleeves.
"Unless we track down whatever other Horcruxes he may have and destroy them all, he's not going to disappear. Not ever."
"f*cking hell. That's just great." Sirius exhaled deeply, his voice laced with frustrated irony. "When did you find out?"
"I've been suspecting it all year," Regulus confessed, lowering his eyes. "He kept dropping all these clues... little hints he didn’t think anyone would pick on, I think. He's awfully self-assured, doesn’t believe anyone could ever match him. In a way, he's right. There really is no match for him out there."
"Except for you," Sirius commented. "You caught onto him. Stole his Horcrux, got out alive." He pulled him closer yet, pressed his forehead against Regulus' with gentle force. His skin tickled Regulus' nose, made him dizzy with wanton desire, an almost compulsive urge to hold onto him and never let go.
"You've done so well, Reggie," Sirius murmured to him, his breath hot against Regulus' lips, "been so brave..."
"I don’t feel brave," he whispered, his throat and mouth as dry as the Sahara.
"You are to me, Reg," his brother simply replied, and nuzzled his nose into his cheek, his hair a gentle caress against Regulus' cheek. "You are to me."
He suppressed a soft, light moan. The room seemed to whirl around him, every sense he had aware of him, his touch, his proximity, his warm body. It was all too much, too much, way too intense after not seeing each other for so long. Almost three years had passed already without any sort of contact, and now... now he was breathing his fragrant breaths upon his face, and stroking his hair, and Regulus didn’t know what to do, other than grab onto his shoulders and hold onto him for dear life.
"How did you get away?" Sirius asked, eventually. His face was still impossibly close, both hands petting Regulus' hair with caressive gentleness; he was exploring him the way he hadn't explored him since that last encounter, with his fingers, and nose, and lips. The space between their bodies had been reduce to nonexistent; he was almost kissing him, almost! almost!, leaving him in a state of mindless, senseless anticipation. God, how he wanted him.
"Dobby helped me. I've always treated him well, maybe that's why..." Regulus paused for an instant to muse over the elf's possible reasons, as he had done so many times since his escape. "He just showed up, acted of his own accord... I hope he's all right, and they didn’t hurt him for releasing me."
Sirius bristled at that. He jerked his head convulsively away, sat back so he could look him directly in the face.
"You were tortured," he said, not asking a question, just stating a fact.
"Sirius..."
"Show me where you're hurt."
"There's nothing to show," Regulus fibbed. "I'm fine."
This was another heavy conversation to have at a later occasion For now, he just wanted to feel the weight of his brother's arms around him, wanted to dwell in this long-coveted warmth a little longer. His injuries could wait. He could barely feel them, the thrill of adrenaline numbing him to the physical pain.
"Reg-"
"Hold me a little longer," he interrupted, and drew nearer. "It feels nice to be held. It's like I really am safe."
Sirius' face relented into a worried expression.
"You are, Reg," he answered, his voice mellowing. "You got nothing to worry about. I'm gonna take care of you from now on."
Humming contentedly below his breath, Regulus melted back into his embrace. He bent forward, and rested his head against Sirius' chest, inclining an ear to listen to his heartbeat, the steady staccato of his breathing. He only looked up when Sirius put his palm back on his cheek. He pulled his gaze upon him, his touch so inexpressibly tender that Regulus all but became a pool of pap, warm and weak and completely dazed by that worshipping look in his brother's eyes. Just then he was convinced that everyone deserved someone like Sirius in their life, and couldn’t recall for the love of life why the two of them had ever parted ways with each other.
His heart soared, threatening to jump out of his chest when Sirius tipped his face up to his own, whispering, "I never thought I'd ever get to hold you like this again."
"You're too quick to forgive me," Regulus replied, but he didn’t – couldn’t – pull away, merely surrendered to this much-needed, long desired morsel of relief.
Despite the past years of misunderstandings and hurt, all he wanted now was to feel Sirius on his skin; at his side, against his body. Wanted to taste him, to know the joy of giving himself to him again, of letting him claim him, take him as he was. It had been so long, so impossibly long; part of him was inclined to believe he was merely hallucinating, the Dark Lord's potion playing cruel tricks on him even after he had crawled out of that cave.
"I hate to be like this," he muttered, eyes filling with useless tears again.
"S'okay. Crying's fine. Let it all out." Sirius withdrew his hand from his cheek, only to start stroking his hair instead. "You've been through so much sh*t, Reg, but it's over now. I'm with you, I'll protect you. And I'll never walk away again."
His free hand moved from his nape, down to the small of his back; Regulus shivered, this innocent, fleeting touch setting his aching body on fire.
"Do you feel that?" Sirius' warm breath shot into his ear, as he leaned yet closer, his lips grazing his earlobe. "Do you feel me?"
"Not enough," Regulus whispered back, snuggling closer. He was seconds away from abandoning every remainder of his self-restraint, and climbing into his lap, his pants already too tight for his own good. Sirius was barely touching him, and yet he was coming more and more alive by the minute, intoxicated on his sheer proximity.
"I think I was a half-man too all these years," he said, without any preamble, "crippled by the war, frightened by the ghosts of the dead." His voice faltered. "But mostly... mostly I was just lonely. Alone."
Sirius didn’t speak. One hand still resting on the small of Regulus' back, the other moved to his knee where it settled with a feather-light stroke. He toured him lightly, carefully, fingertips rubbing their endless little circles on his thigh and his leg, his touch burning him even through the layer of his corduroy trousers. He held his gaze, as Sirius studied him keenly, weighing and measuring him. He watched the rapid sinking and rising of his chest first, before his gaze settled on the damp tear marks on his cheeks.
Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, he leaned in and kissed away the tears, his lips a blazing brush against Regulus' skin. Then, as though suddenly realizing what he was doing, he tensed and pulled away.
"Sorry." He cleared his throat. "You mind...?"
"It's nice," Regulus reassured, a slight nervous twitch at the corner of his mouth.
They were safe for now at least, isolated from the war, the daily pretense to be whatever the world needed them to be. There was nothing and no one else but the two of them right now; the rest had become unimportant.
"Listen..." Sirius' hand trembled. "I need you to promise me something."
"Hm?" was all Regulus managed in response, paying only half a mind; Sirius' lips hovered inches from his own, his quick warm breaths fanning against his mouth again.
"I wanna know what exactly went wrong... other than Mother and Father constantly terrorizing you and using me as bait to blackmail you. Need you to tell me so we don't make the same mistake next time."
Next time? Regulus was swooning.
"If you're... bothered by what went down between us, you really need to tell me," Sirius continued. "I promise I won't be upset, or force you into anything. You'll still get the help you need. I won't leave you behind."
Regulus wet his lips in anticipation, and his heart slammed against his ribcage, trying to break free when he saw Sirius do the same. There was a moment's hesitation, a little fluttering sense of fear there (they had been through this before!) before his emotions gained mastery of him, silenced the voice of reason inside his head.
He put one hand on Sirius' strong taut biceps, the other resting on his thigh, as if to mirror him; a harmless touch, yet it still managed to rattle him to the core, overwhelm him with old memories.
"The summer before you left, we went to Diagon Alley one day. I needed to buy some books, so we parted ways," he began in a shaky, suffocating voice. "You ran into Remus while I was away. I watched the two of you from the bookstore, and I grew incredibly jealous. I told you that evening I didn’t just want to be your brother. That I loved you in every possible way one can love another human being... that I hated to see you with other people... and that I couldn’t bear the thought of separating from you."
Sirius nodded.
"I remember. And then we did what no brothers should ever do," he quoted darkly.
"And still, nothing has ever made more sense to me," Regulus admitted in a whisper. "I have never felt more like myself than when I was with you. I think... I think that's the only place I'll ever really be at peace with myself."
Sirius' pupils dilated, eyes almost completely black with desire.
The air, thick with heat and tension, stood still for one unbearable, overlong moment. They held each other eyes, not moving, not even daring to breath; and then they moved together, wonderfully in sync as Regulus ducked towards him at the exact same time Sirius reached for him. He swept him into his arms, and onto his lap, pulled him against him with sheer strength. It almost hurt, the way his arms locked around him, touched his injuries by accident; Regulus moaned with a sort of pained relief, and wrapped his arms and legs around him, entwining his body with his.
To kiss him again after all these years felt like finding a sip of water after a long, strenuous journey through the desert. He hummed happily into Sirius' mouth, as his brother captured his lips with his own, absorbing his panting breaths. Sirius' tongue sought his, hot and hungry and demanding, his kisses leaving no doubt of his heart, of the same acute wish Regulus felt to be close, close, close to him. Regulus opened his mouth for him, invited him in, and he didn’t hesitate to accept; he licked into Regulus' mouth, teasing and tasting, his tongue sliding deep inside. Their fiery kisses drew a desperate moan from Regulus, and a deep hoarse growl from Sirius, the silky contact between their tangled tongues urging them on, fueling their fire.
He gasped out touch me mid-kisses, overcome by a mixture of lust, love, and bitter fear for it had been long since his last time and he suddenly wasn't sure anymore how to be with him, what to do about his hands, how not to come immediately in his pants when Sirius cupped him through his trousers.
He threw back his head, let out a low groan of raw pleasure, one that had been threatening to escape all along, as Sirius began kissing his jaw, his neck, finding every sweet spot with ease, as if they had never been apart, not even for a day. And Regulus, he merely held onto him, Sirius' cheeks feverishly hot under his touch, drops of sweat trickling down his temple, falling onto Regulus' knuckles. He moaned again when Sirius shifted beneath him, their co*cks rubbing together, painfully tight. Blind and deaf to his surroundings, he rolled his hips as Sirius grinded against him, moving with the same need that was increasingly swelling within him, too.
They kissed again, long and deep. He was aching now, desperate to be taken, marked by him forever, for he has always been Sirius', just as Sirius has always been his, no matter what.
"I missed you, I missed you. So much," he panted against his lips, almost silenced by Sirius' open-mouthed, wet kisses. "I didn’t think I'd ever see you again-"
Threading his fingers through Regulus' hair, Sirius set to leaving more kisses along his jaw and neck, so soft, and warm, and deeply fulfilling that Regulus couldn’t help but make little whimpering noises in response.
Everything about this – him – was addictive, from the scent of his skin, through the feel of his body, to the hasty pulse beating at the base of his throat. And his voice–
"I won't cause you any more pain, Reggie, I promise."
He tugged him closer and closer still; and Regulus arched shamelessly into him, delving his fingers through his hair. There was no more sanity, no more sober thoughts within, only the urge to love him, love him, the way he always has; he could no longer possess any sort of willpower to contain himself, and latched onto his belt, unbuckling him.
Sirius stiffened when he reached down and moved his hand on his co*ck.
"f*ck." He tore Regulus' fly open, his fingers shaking, too desperate to free him. "C'me here–"
He squeezed his thighs, and Regulus yielded easily to him, sinking down into his lap until he was pressed into Sirius' aching-hard arousal. Their kisses grew wilder, almost savage, with lips and tongue and teeth; Sirius rocked against his hand, matching his pace stroke for stroke, pre-cum leaking everywhere. Regulus kept stroking him, a slow, steady pump that had him gasping his name in seconds. The feel of him, hard and throbbing between his fingers was simply delicious; just touching him brought him dangerously close to his org*sm, his co*ck leaking into Sirius' palm, harder than before and impatient for some release. He almost yelped out a petulant cry when Sirius let up, started tugging at his shirt to undress him. With his hands shaking so badly, his brother soon gave up trying, and resorted to more convenient means instead.
"sh*t... I'm just going to rip this off." And with one quick tug, he tore the fabric open, revealing Regulus' bruised, bleeding torso underneath.
Instantly, Sirius went limp with terror, the realization stunning him cold.
"f*cking hell, Reg, you're bleeding!" he burst out, eyes widening. "Why wouldn’t you say something?" He scrambled free of him, shifting him onto the couch. "Come on. We need to get you cleaned up –"
Panic shot through him at these bleak prospect, made him clutch him to his body, and not let go.
"No, not yet. I need this now, I need you –" before you change your mind, he thought silently and didn’t finish the sentence. "Please. I want it so bad. I want to feel you, want you inside me…"
Sirius trembled.
"It's not even as painful as it looks," he pressed on. "You'll make it go away. I know you will."
Sirius' exhalations sounded terribly shaky. "Reggie..."
"Come back? Please?" he repeated, trembling in every limb. He didn’t want this moment, like so many others, to shatter and vanish before they could reach completion. So he struggled onto his purple-bruised knees, pressed closer to him, his co*ck rubbing against Sirius' hip.
His brother didn’t need further encouragement. He surrendered quickly, allowed Regulus to pull him on top of him, accepting defeat.
"You'll bring me to ruin, Reggie..." he breathed out harshly, chest heaving with erratic little gasps.
He was careful not to crush him with his body, as he poised above him, resting his weight on his outstretched arms. He bent his head, started peppering kisses over Regulus' bleeding torso, teasing every purple-black bruising, every zig-zaggy laceration; he elicited a series of lilting moans out of him, drove him to madness, as his mouth fastened around his nipple, first one then the other, licking and sucking until they hardened. He only stopped when Regulus reached out, his fumbling touch slowly finding its way to Sirius' co*ck; took him between his palms again, felt him in slow, teasing strokes from base to tip, his thumb teasing over the swollen head.
A sound almost primal tore from Sirius' lips. He groped for his wand on the couch, tried to find it without having to break their kiss, or pull away from him. A quick flick of the wrist, and he had already conjured up a vial of lube. His coated fingers glided along with ease, teased the ring for a little while, waiting for Regulus to relax, let him in; and then pushed two fingers in, hard and fast.
Regulus winced at the sensation of being filled, pleasure coiling through him, spreading from his belly all the way down to his toes. He smoothed his hands lower, his flattened palms tracing the rise of Sirius' buttocks, grabbing at him, pulling him closer, into the narrow space between his own legs. Relished in the feel of him, so warm, impossibly silky, kissed him over and over until they both ran out of oxygen.
"I want to hear you." Breaking their kiss, Sirius buried his face into Regulus' neck, carefully sucking the sensitive patch of skin against his teeth. "I want to hear you call out my name, Reggie."
And Regulus did; he said Siri once, and twice, and a thousand more times, louder each time, as his brother fingered him deep, fingers teasing against his prostate so that he nearly sobbed with the intensity of his growing need.
He shifted again, head bowing low, as he licked the droplets of sweat and the small bubbles of blood away in a long, slow lap of his tongue. Lower and lower he bent his head, kissing along Regulus stomach and hips, his inner thighs, and finally –
Regulus thrashed, bucking hips sharply upward, almost flinging Sirius' hands off.
"Please don’t stop, just don’t stop, please –"
He could feel Sirius smile against his co*ck, the sensation of his wet, hot lips pressing tiny kisses along his shaft sending a great jolt of electricity through him.
"I had no intention of stopping, Reggie," he replied smugly.
Tangling his fingers into his hair, Regulus tugged his head back. They arched into each other again, kissing long and deep, as Regulus wrapped his legs about his brother's hips more tightly, shifting and rubbing against him, pulling him closer and closer yet, guiding him into himself.
Sirius' breath caught. "Oh, f*ck." A moment later, Regulus was riding him, taking him slowly and intensely; and Sirius moaned aloud his name again, years of pent-up frustration crawling its way up to the surface. "Reggie, you feel so good... f*cking hell, you're so tight..."
Regulus bounced on his lap, rushing to match his steady strokes, moving against the surge of his thick, wet co*ck delving deep inside him. He thrusted again, the muscles of his belly coiled tight, as pressure slowly built inside him, pleasure coursing through him. It felt like fire, bright and hot and overwhelming, their pace slow but so intense. They were still bound together, one body one soul, as if the past couple of years had never been, connecting more deeply with each jolt of passion.
Swept away by pleasure, Sirius breathed "I'm going to come, Reggie" in his ear, and immediately in response Regulus tightened around him, f*cked him harder, as he the waves of his org*sm came up to elevated heights. One more roll of his hips, and there he was, then, trembling on the threshold of paradise. His muscles spasmed and clenched around his brother's co*ck, his cum shooting all over his stomach as Sirius finished too, came long and hard inside him. He welcomed the familiar tension surging through him, as if he were stuck in the Floo Network; felt as though he might rise and fly far, far away, like vapor.
Quivering in every joint, he collapsed on top of him, boneless in the last tide of post-coital bliss. He settled tiredly in his brother's arms, and closed his eyes, completely exhausted; then he just lay there with him, all limbs and heavy breath and frantic heartbeats.
"We need to treat your wounds," Sirius eventually broke the silence, gently disengaging himself. He pushed himself up on his elbows and climbed to his feet. His face was still flushed and dotted with sweat, his long wavy hair tousled. "You stay here. I'll go run you a bath."
Regulus lay on his back, panting heavily in the warm air. The blazing fire in the fireplace caressed his heated skin like his brother's tongue had caressed every part of his body only moments ago. He wished Sirius had stayed beside him, but it was already a miracle he'd managed to convince him not to stop when he'd noticed his injuries. He tried feeling bits of himself, but the soreness of his limbs was no longer due to the torture he'd suffered earlier.
"Your bath is ready." Sirius came back into the room, a bottle of healing oil in one hand, the other extended towards him. Regulus intertwined their fingers and allowed him to lift him to his feet. "I'll apply some of this to your wounds. It might sting a little but it shouldn’t be too painful."
"Will you stay with me?" Regulus asked, suddenly a bit too self-conscious. "I don't really feel comfortable in the water anymore... not since I've been to the cave."
"Yeah, of course." Sirius gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "I'll stay."
He not only applied the healing oil, but also helped him into the bath before following him.
"Not too hot?"
Regulus suppressed a hiss at the light stinging, as the lacerations closed and began to heal.
"It's lovely."
Sirius hesitated only for half a second before he asked, "You want to sit here with me?"
He did. Coordinating his limbs with a bit of a difficulty, Regulus turned round and moved to sit between his legs, his back propped up against Sirius' chest. At once, he let out a relieved sigh, as he snuggled comfortably into his brother's strong arms. He had no idea just how much he had been missing these shared moments until now when he was finally reliving them again.
"You're not... bothered by this, then?"
Sirius' question caught him off guard.
"No." He paused. "Are you?"
"Hell no." A tiny smirk lifted the corners of Sirius' mouth. "Did I seem bothered?"
Regulus shook his head, almost on the verge of smiling. "And you didn’t sound like it, either."
They sat a while in silence, enjoying each other's closeness after such a long time of being apart.
"I've got to ask, though," Sirius started again, "what's gonna happen now? With us?"
Regulus snapped his head round to look at him. He studied him silently, waiting for him to continue.
"I mean, my plans reached but this far and no farther." Sirius nodded towards the bruises on his chest. "I guess, what I'm trying to say is ... what exactly are we?"
He hesitated, then said, "Brothers."
"Yeah, well, what else?"
"I'm not sure." Regulus turned his head away again. "What do you want us to be?"
He shivered when Sirius breathed against his nape.
"Everything and more," he purred in his ear, his voice pure music. "I need you in my life, Reggie. I won't let you go again."
Regulus wanted to tell him he needed him in his life, too, but his heart caught in his throat and he couldn’t speak.
"We've been through this way too many times. Somehow we always got back to square one," Sirius went on, in a low, intimate half-whisper. "It's getting bloody tiring, you know. Feeling like sh*t, moping all the time, missing you like hell..."
Ignoring the sore pulling of his muscles, Regulus turned around to straddle him.
"Let's not miss each other anymore, then," he suggested softly, his arms looping about Sirius' neck.
Sirius' smile brightened. "Let's not."
Regulus suppressed a sigh. If only this was so easy... but he didn’t want to think about the consequences of his desertion, not tonight.
For now, he just wanted to be happy.
